Cycling
Topic: Uni
I was, oh, about six on an overcast summer morning in Georgia when my parents took all of us kids down to the high school track. They brought along my bike so I could have a chance at a longer ride than laps around our driveway allowed for. It had rained heavily the night before, and I was wearing one of my favorite outfits, a deep greeny-blue Izod shorts-and-polo set. I thought the little alligator applique was so cute. Dad wanted to raise the training wheels on my bike, a step that I was unsure about. I said I didn't want the wheels raised because I would fall, and I was convinced it would be into a huge puddle that had formed on the inside edge of the track near the parking lot. Dad said, 'You won't fall,' and raised the training wheels another notch. I set off on my wobbly way, eyeing that puddle with deep misgivings. I made a couple circuits of the track without mishap until my last lap, where I headed for that puddle like I was on a lead and fell into it with an enormous splash.

I was reminded of that story today as I was heading home from uni after picking up the essay that I had been fussing about not so long ago. I did much better than I had expected. I did well, actually. I was really surprised. I had anticipated all the problems the lecturer identified, but I had overestimated how bad they really were, and I had anticipated almost none of her positive comments.

I realized that, even going back to my application to this program, I have been, not anticipating exactly, but fearing that I am going to screw this up massively. First I was afraid I wouldn't get in. Then I kept imagining ways that I would get rejected for student loans or the student visa. Once I cleared the hurdle of getting here, I started playing out various scenarios in which I flamed out and went home in disgrace. I don't know where this is coming from. I've always done well in school, I've been doing well here, I'm happy that I decided to come here. Yet I can't quite seem to shake the fear that I'm going to freeze up, flake out, or otherwise crash and burn.

I think I need to spend some time trying to figure out where this is coming from and what I can do to counteract it. For one thing, its causing me unnecessary stress. For another, if I'm going to make a splash here, I would rather not have it be one of the 'six-year-old's self-fulfilling prophecy' sort.

::giggles::
Topic: Odds and ends
Can't stop watching this and laughing. Seriously, I've watched it four times in a row. It just doesn't stop being funny.

Andy Samberg is so my new celebrity crush.

(From Gawker and Boing Boing)

Edited because if I'm going to have a celebrity crush, I really should spell his name correctly.

And, because NBC apparently does not understand the value of viral video and insists on directing everyone to their site to see the video.

Endorsing Armenia
Topic: Raving
Somebody recently was directed here by googling "Armenia, having fun, going places". I just had to say something, because its such an unusual query (usually I get ones involving essays). If you, whoever you are, happen to come by again, I'm sorry I can't be of more help since my visit was for work and happened in midwinter, which is not the best time to be out and about in Armenia, but I can attest that yes, there are places to go and things to do and fun to be had. At least, there were five years ago. I can't believe it's been five years since I was there. Hopefully, there's even more stuff to do there now. I hope others on the web have been able to be more specific about the whats and wheres (this is usually a good place to get started). And there are wonderful people there. Warm, friendly, kind, hospitable - just really really wonderful. My ramblings about the country don't do it justice at all, but even five years later, I still think fondly of that trip and hope that I'll get a chance to go back someday - even if I do have to go in the middle of winter again.

Whatever, WaPo
Topic: Whatever
The Washington Post ran a story earlier this month on the efforts to 're-brand' Baltimore with a city slogan that 'tout[s] the city's assets without ignoring its gritty, self-deprecating character.' The article was only mildly irritating as long as it stuck to a not-quite snickering tone discussing the crime rate and the 'quirkiness' of Baltimore. However, it ended with an anecdote about Hampden, the point of which was, basically: 'even hillbillies are horrified by Baltimore'. Whatever, WaPo. Baltimore is the city that could kick San Francisco's ass. Your sniggering disapproval is beneath notice.

Baltimore residents can snigger at slogans all they like, of course. Suggestions for snowpocalyptic slogans for Baltimore can be found here. I don't miss the city's irrational response to snow, exactly, but I do miss entertaining myself with speculations as to why it was that the merest hint of snow in the forecast resulted in local stores being stripped of milk, bread and toilet paper.

Merry Christmas, Mobtown, and rejoice in the glad tidings that you're not an Eyesore of the Month.

Uggly
Topic: Odds and ends
I have had far too many opportunities to observe the truth of this for myself since I arrived in Melbourne. I will take the word of friends who say that they're wonderfully comfortable in uninsulated homes on cold winter's days, but must they be worn outside and inflicted on the general public?

Discovery
Topic: Reading
I've been working my way through Scheherazade's archives at Stay of Execution, because . . . I don't know, it seems like the right thing to do when I get drawn in to someone's blog and want to get to 'know' them better. I've done it with Searchblog, Outer Life, Idle Words, and Moment to Moment, and every time, I've found it very rewarding. It's fascinating to have a readily-available record of the evolution of a person's writing style and thought. And you never know what sort of interesting things you'll uncover. For instance, when Sherry was first getting started on Stay of Execution, it seems like she was in a place in her life that's similar to where I am now. This reflection of on the value of knowing what you don't know and not being afraid to acknowledge it resonates with me, since I'm in an environment where its all too easy to feel that not knowing something is unacceptable and indicates a failure on your part. And this thoughtful post on finding your path through life is very relevant, as I'm fielding more and more questions about what I plan to be doing this time next year, and am beginning to get a bit stressed about the fact that I honestly don't know. She's done quite a bit of writing about the process and purpose of blogging that I've found really intriguing. These ruminations on how people stifle their own creativity and the challenges of figuring out what and how to blog appealed to me, too (and this post has a beautiful little story about types of creativity - if you can only read one post, I recommend this one). I'm not sure what I've enjoyed more about my ongoing experiment with blogging - giving myself a reason to write regularly, or giving myself a reason to start reading as many other blogs as possible as I try to figure out how to develop my own voice and style. It's delightful to have discovered so many thought-provoking and entertaining authors who write well (and give it away for free to anyone who happens to come across their website), and to know that there are plenty more out there, waiting to be stumbled across.

Questions
Topic: Navel gazing
'Where is your accent from?'
'What are you doing in Australia?'
'What are you studying?'
'What's that, exactly?'
'So, are you going back to America when you're done studying?'

I can't tell you how many times I've had close variations on that conversation since February. It's all pretty easy until we hit Standard Questions #4 and 5. With practice, I've developed a shallow but comprehensible summary of what studying gender and development entails, which has been a great help with Standard Question #4, although dealing with the occasional unfunny attempts to make jokes about studying gender hasn't really gotten any more bearable. But Standard Question #5, that can lead to interesting and thorny places.

Most of the time I just say 'I don't know.' Because I don't. A lot is going to depend on what jobs are available in which locations a year from now. I've got student loans to pay off, so I'm not going to rule out any reasonable jobs. I think I could be happy to stay in Melbourne for a couple more years. I like living here. But if it's a comfortable job in Melbourne vs a challenging job in say, an African or Asian country, all other things being equal, I'm outta here.

That's the bit that people tend to get stuck on. Studying in another country is normal enough. Even working abroad for a few years doesn't raise many eyebrows here. But even though Aussies in general are more cosmopolitan than Americans in that respect, for the most part, the expectation seems to be that people will come home after they've had a few years abroad. So I get some strange looks when I say that ideally, I'd like to work somewhere in Africa or Asia, and don't see a long-term return to the States in my future.

Some people choose to pursue things beyond SQ#5. One of the more interesting follow-up questions I've been asked was 'So what's wrong with America that you don't want to go back?' And it's not that I couldn't provide a laundry list of reasons, but really, they boil down to 'I don't feel like I fit in.' Viewed from that perspective, the question becomes less 'what's wrong with America?' and more 'what's wrong with me?'

It's not that I expect to find some other country where I do 'fit'. It's more that, if I'm not going to fit in, why not have a very obvious reason for being the fish out of water? It makes my difference, my sense of dislocation, more comfortable in some ways. Because its a very awkward sensation. But it's absolutely no reflection on my friends and family in the States, because I know how fortunate I am in the relationships that I have, and I know that I'm missed as much as I miss them. But even being among people who know and love me and understand me as far as one person can understand another is at best a temporary buffer from that sense of nebulous 'not-rightness' I have in the States.

That's not the whole picture, of course. I like to experience life in other places. And that experience actually makes me appreciate things about the States that I never would have before. Living in Skopje made me appreciate the value of orderly lines and respect for pedestrians. Living in Melbourne, I'm seeing how the sheer size of the US means that even the fringiest people can find a community if they look hard enough. A large population makes lots of things possible. So I appreciate certain things more, but that appreciation still isn't enough to lure to me back.

But I'm being forced to think about what it is about development and the expatriate experience that appeals to me because a fair bit of my research this past semester was focused on the ways that development flat-out fails, reinforces unequal power relationships between countries, and generally tends to work every bit as much (if not more) to the advantage of 'Western' countries as it does to 'Third World' ones. And I've had to ask myself if this is something I want to be associated with - do I see benefits that outweigh these problems? I'm still working on that question, and probably will be for a long time to come.

It has unquestionably been valuable to me to begin to examine why I think I want to be involved in development, especially now that the idealism that started out with early in my career has been tempered. This is a field where people on the outside tend to see altruism and idealism at work. And I don't mean to imply that they're absent, but I think it's important to acknowledge that there are plenty of selfish factors in play as well. My sense is that if I ever stop acknowledging that, I'll be setting myself up to make a lot of mistakes out of serious self-delusion. I know I'm bound to make plenty of mistakes for any number of reasons, but I'd really like to limit those that could be caused from a lack of self-awareness.

Onward
Topic: Uni
I finally officially met my thesis supervisor today. She's pleasant, but a little bit intimidating, if only because she's so intelligent and accomplished. Intimidating can be good, though - past experience indicates that a little bit of fear, combined with a strong urge not to disappoint, goes a long way when it comes to getting me to plan ahead and meet deadlines. Hopefully, we'll work well together and I'll learn a lot from her. I've only read one article she has written, but I was very impressed with the quality of both her writing and her thought. It will be good to work with someone who can help me improve in both areas, and I've heard that she's an excellent supervisor. She had some helpful ideas about how I should get started on my thesis, and we're meeting again in three weeks, so I'm right in to it, basically. It's a bit 'yikes', but I kind of figure that I was going to be stressing about it anyway, so why not get started on the work? I'll also need to get started on finding a nom de blog for her. She reminds me of someone, but I can't quite figure out who.

Endings and beginnings
Topic: Events
I made the phone call. It wasn't easy. My grandfather doesn't talk about his feelings, but it was still pretty clear what he was feeling when I talked to him. It's hard to be away from my family at times like this. Even when I don't know what I would or could do, the urge to be there with them is strong. That urge has been lurking in the back of my head since my great-uncle first fell ill in August and it was clear that it was a severe illness. It has had me thinking about a lot about the sacrifices involved in living overseas, and whether I'm willing to continue to make them. On the one hand, I love living in other countries - it feels right for me. On the other, being able to support my family is important to me. It's a tension I'm far from finding resolution for at the moment.

I miss the chance to share in good things that happen in my family, too. My aunt got married at the beginning of the month, and I got pictures of the wedding from my mom recently. I really would have loved to have been there to celebrate with my family. Mom says my aunt was almost unbelievably happy, and I do wish I could've seen that happiness in person.

I also recently got pictures from another wedding that took place on the same day. My friend Pep married his boyfriend in Canada. Picture, if you will, a handsome and happy couple under a canopy (neither is Jewish, but the friends who hosted the wedding are, and the grooms appreciated the imagery of the welcoming home associated with the canopy). Both men are dressed in barongs (traditional Filipino formal wear, since Pep is Filipino), and they're exchanging their vows in front of Pep's sister-in-law, who is a minister in the Uniting Church. How beautiful is that? It makes me very happy to know that a wedding like that can happen, even if I do wish possible in more than just a few places.

Putting off the phone call
Topic: Events
I can't put off the phone call for too long. There are many things to do today, and its already nearly 10 o'clock. Many things to do, yet here I sit, writing, avoiding picking up the phone that sits waiting at my right hand, phone card beside it, grandfather's phone number open on my palm pilot. All the technology is there, everything I need, everything, suddenly, except the strength to go through with picking up the phone and acknowledging the reality of my great-uncle's death. I got the e-mail from my mom last night, and was saddened, but I know that the reality won't hit until I call home and hear the loss in the voices of my family. Its so hard to anticipate hearing that loss, and knowing that there's so little I can do to ease it. But I need to get on with what I can do, and I need to pick up that phone.